Chapter 64
“We’re going to spend the whole day packing,” Julian commented as we got out of his car and made our way to the front door of his house.
Since we didn’t have any plans for the day, I called Rosie’s babysitter to see if she was free for the day to watch Raste and luckily she was. I didn’t like the idea of having a live–in babysitter because I valued our privacy. She had been Rosie’s babysitter since my little girl was less than two years old and when I decided to move to California, I asked her if she wanted to come along. Surprisingly, she agreed. I bought a studio–apartment and allowed her to live there for as long as she was working for me to relieve her of the burden of rent, but she had to pay for utilities. Today was her day off, but since she didn’t have anything to do, she agreed to babysit
“We don’t have to pack everything today. We just need to focus on clothes, any important documents that you have and any personal belongings you want to take with you.” His house was bigger than mine, but mine wasn’t small. It wasn’t massive, but a family of four or five can comfortably live in it. We just thought that it didn’t make sense to move everything in my place only to move it later on to the house we were going to buy
The two of us walked inside and made our way to Julian’s bedroom.
“If you feel uncomfortable and want to leave at any moment, tell me,” Julian told
“I’m not exactly traumatized by the place. Don’t worry.” I assured him and kissed his lips. I could stay here if I had to, but I just didn’t like the place
anymore.
Julian and 1 each grabbed a suitcase and started filling
it with clothes. He e took care of the casual wear
ual wear while I handled the suits.
After an hour of nonstop working, we threw our bodies on the bed and I subconsciously crawled into his embrace.
“I think we packed enough clothes,” he mumbled, playing with my hair.
“If you keep playing with my hair like that, I’m going to fall asleep. I playfully warned him.
“Yeah, let’s nap.” He tightened his embrace around me and closed his eyes, making me laugh. Julian had never been the one to say no
“You’re lazy.” I poked his nose.
sleep.
“Have some mercy on me, I almost burnt to death last night,” he chuckled, but I didn’t. The two hours I waited to know whether he was alive or not were the worst. I never wanted to experience something like that ever again.
“Not funny. I was petrified of losing you last night,” I whispered, nuzzling my face in the crook of his neck
“You didn’t.” He probably sensed my angst because he started rubbing my back. “I’m right here with you, sunshine.” He pressed a long kiss to my forehead.
We stayed in bed for a while and as expected, Julian managed to fall asleep. Not wanting to wake him up, I gently slipped away from his embrace and made my way to the kitchen to make us something to eat. I wasn’t sure what he had in the house, but I was probably going to find something T
could make a meal out of
As I passed by the living room, something on the coffee table caught my eye. A sacramento green velver notebook
Why did he have a notebook in my favorite colour!
Curiosity got the best of me, and I reached for it. I sat on the couch and opened the first page.
Dear Emily,
My therapist told me that writing might make me feel better, so I decided to write, but to you. Since I can’t really speak to you because I don’t know where you are, I’m going to write you letters that you probably won’t read, but what do I have to lose? I have already lost the best thing I have ever had in my entire life.
I told myself I was going to buy the notebook in your favorite colour because I wanted it to be a reminder of you, but I’m stupid. Not once have I forgotten you in the first place to try to remember you.
My body went still as I realized what I was reading. He had been writing to me for the past years. Was I violating his privacy by reading the notebook! But it was addressed to me. Those were things he wanted to tell me. I wanted to read more. I wanted to know what he had been through during my absence.
You know, when I first divorced you, I wanted to come back home and tear apart the papers we signed, but I was hurt. A voice in my head kept telling me that I was going to regret my actions and stupid me, I didn’t listen. I think it was some angel trying to warn me, but I was a stubborn asshole. I should have listened to you when you told me the pictures were fake. I should have given us more time. I find myself thinking about what our life would have been like if we hadn’t gotten a divorce and I think that it would have been great.
1 looked down at the date and found that it was three years after I left.
I like to think that we would have become parents because I know that you’ll make a great mother. I remember how you used to treat
my nieces
10:29 AM 1
Chapter 64
and nephews. Did you know that they asked m
sunshine.
asked me about you two months after you left! I didn’t know what to tell them. If only I could turn back time,
Despite everything. I still have hope and I think it’s the only thing that is keeping me alive. I like to believe that I will get to call you mine again, but I just don’t know when.
My heart was beating so fast. He was still thinking a
about me like
that after three years of my departure. How was he like during the first year?
I flipped a few pages and my eyes settled on a new entry.
Dear Emily,
It’s getting harder to keep going without you. I don’t know how to stay strong anymore. I know that I’m the one to blame, but don’t I deserve some mercy? Haven’t I done anything good in my life to make up for what I had done to you?
TO
I had another nightmare last night. I saw you getting hurt and I wasn’t able to save you because I was so far away and no matter how much I tried t move, you were still getting further.
I heard your voice. You were blaming me for the pain you were in, telling me that if I had just believed you and stayed with you, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
I woke up drenched in sweat and out of breath. I couldn’t fall back asleep because the worst ideas haunted my mind. I couldn’t help but think that you were truly hurt, and the universe was playing some sick game on me to let me know that I have failed to protect the one I loved the most
Please come back.
I can’t take it anymore.
Hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I realized the amount of pain he was in. I hated myself for not coming back sooner, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t just forget everything and come back. I wanted to come back sooner because my plan was to always return to California, but during my third year in New Jersey, I faced a lot of problems with my brand and a lot of people were trying to bring me down due to the rapid success I achieved. If 1 had come back at that time, people would have said that I only came back to be protected by the Kensington family.
“I’m okay now, you know.” I gasped and the notebook fell from my hands when I heard Julian’s voice.
I bent down to pick it up, then slowly stood up. “1.. I didn’t mean to violate your privacy.” I whispered, trying to stop my tears from falling
to you,” he replied. He took a few steps
ps towards me closing the space between us. He
“You didn’t violate it. The letters in this notebook were written to you reached for the notebook, taking it from my hand.
He took me in his embrace, and I latched my arms around his neck, taking a deep breath. I felt him rub small circles on my back. He kissed my temple, and a trembling breath escaped me. “Why are you crying, sunshine?” he asked in a gentle voice.
“Because… I never wanted to hurt you, but as I looked at the dates, I realized that you spent the past years in pain. I thought you would have moved on after a year,” I said, staring at his eyes.
“I didn’t move on and never wanted to in the first place.” He
other woman but you and as much as it hurt to have you away from me for years, I knew that I deserved that. I deserved to be hurt because of what 1 put you through.” 1 shook my head, suddenly hating myself for what I had done although I was hurt in the first place.
my cheeks and with his thumbs, he wiped away my tears. “I didn’t want any
“Hey, can we forget about what happened!” he said, placing a strand of my hair behind my car. “We can have a new start. We can decide how we want our life to be this time. I regret hurting you and those five or six years were necessary because they taught me to appreciate your Again, he engulfed me in his arms, and I held onto him.
What happened hurt the two of us and perhaps he was right. Perhaps we needed that to hap
to happen to learn to appreciate each other more.
